8 Healthy Ways to Deal with Jealousy
Romantic jealousy is very common, especially with a new partner. Jo Middleton shares some tips to help you deal with the green-eyed monster. However, jealousy can play both saviour and assassin in romantic jealous in your relationship, what are some easy ways to overcome it?. Everyone gets jealous. (Even those poly people who act holier than Buddha, trust me.) It's normal and natural to get jealous in relationships.
His jealousy was all-encompassing; from attractive male movie stars to male teachers of her young children. At first before realizing how destructive it was to becomeshe'd been flattered by the intensity of his jealous attentions - after all, it showed he cared, right? But the constant anxiety, loss of her freedom, and sheer clinginess he would text every half-hour if she went out with a girlfriend were now torture to her and also to him. Most people feel a little jealous sometimes, especially when they have strong feelings of attraction and love for their partner, and a little jealousy occasionally can add zest to a relationship.
But just as a spark can illuminate a room, a blaze can burn it to the ground. So what's behind jealousy? What does jealousy in a relationship mean? At the root of jealousy lies fear of loss. Like many jealous partners, Kevin feared loss of their relationship, loss of self-respect, even loss of 'face' fearing how his friends would see him if he were to be 'made a fool of'.
Fear makes for feelings of insecurity. When fear lessens, so does jealousy.
- 7 Strategies on Dealing with Jealousy in Intimate Relationships
- 8 Healthy Ways to Deal with Jealousy
More than feelings of fear, jealousy also leads to a smorgasbord of other emotions such as anger, hate of love 'rivals', disgust sometimes self-disgustand hopelessness.
So why might a person be jealous? Kevin's ex-wife had cheated on him and he felt he'd never got over this. We're told it's great to have 'a good imagination', but he was using his to torment himself. Of course, if your partner is continually sexually active with other people, then jealousy is totally justified. And perhaps the whole relationship needs to be re-evaluated. But here I want to focus on helping you if you feel unduly jealous that's to say, there is no real or proper evidence that your partner is or has been unfaithful to you.
These tips also focus on sexual jealousy rather than, say, being jealous of the amount of time your partner spends with their mother or kids. So how can we start to break the jealousy cycle, reclaim self-control, and stop driving our partners and ourselves crazy? Yes, take them at their word. If they do lie to you, then they are not making a fool out of anyone but themselves - remember that. It's been said that trust is the cornerstone of any relationship.
It's very insulting for your partner to have you always doubting their word or decency of behaviour. Constant questioning by you can even be as destructive as having an affair in the long run. You'll still distrust your partner for a while out of sheer habitbut find the strength to start acting as if you believe them.
If you've been checking that they really were where they said they've been, then stop doing that. When they tell you they love you, believe them.
Save 2 Easier said than done, but stop comparing yourself to others Some not all jealousy is driven by low self-esteem. I don't understand how someone like them could be attracted to someone like me!
Does the Mona Lisa painting know why it is so valuable? Of course, you may be able to appreciate attractive qualities in yourself, but consider this: There are better looking, richer, funnier, smarter, younger people around than just about all of us, but these are qualities of a 'product'.
If he or she loves you, it will be because of an extra, indefinable quality you have that they couldn't even explain - some deep part of your humanity they connected to which transcends looks, youth, wealth, and so forth.
Some of the most loved people in history have been well down the list when it comes to looks or wealth. Stop trying to 'work out' why they can possibly like you. People with quite high self-esteem can experience intense jealousy if they tend to feel they themselves must always be the centre of things. People like this tend to look at other people as material property. And maybe they just don't want to share that 'property', even as far as letting their partner innocently smile or socialize with another person.
Perhaps as a kid they were a little spoilt. But people are not objects or toys to be constantly guarded. To love someone properly, we need to be prepared to lose them. Sounds like it, you might think and I do have my momentsbut hear me out. Anger, fear, and jealousy drive out love; and love needs a strong dash of fearlessness to flourish. Okay, so you fear losing your loved one to someone else and possibly fear how this will make you feel about yourself.
If you must keep using your imagination, use it to imagine the 'worst' happening and you still being okay; not just surviving, but thriving in this imagined scenario. Fantasize about how well you'd react, how whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Write down 10 positive ways you'd like to respond and how you'd build your life up even better if this relationship were to end.
Fear is much greater when we feel that 'all our eggs are in one basket'. Competitive Jealousy While it may feel pointless or illogical, it is completely natural to want what others have and to feel competitive.
However, how we use these feelings is very important to our level of satisfaction and happiness. If we use these feelings to serve our inner critic, to tear down ourselves or others, that is clearly a destructive pattern with demoralizing effects. It can feel good when we simply let ourselves have the momentary feeling without judgment or a plan for action. However, if we ruminate or twist this thought into a criticism of ourselves or an attack on another person, we wind up getting hurt.
If we find ourselves having an overreaction or feeling haunted by our feelings of envy, we can do several things. Be aware of what gets triggered. A co-worker who speaks her mind in meetings? Ask yourself what critical inner voices come up.
What types of thoughts do these jealous feelings spark?
7 Tips for Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships
Are you using these feelings of jealousy to put yourself down? Do they make you feel insignificant, incapable, unsuccessful etc.? Is there a pattern or theme to these thoughts that feels familiar? Think about the deeper implications and origins of these thoughts: Do you feel a certain pressure to achieve a particular thing?
What would getting this thing mean about you? Does this connect to your past? We can have more compassion for ourselves and try to suspend the judgments that lead us to feel insecure. How to Deal with Jealousy What to Do: We should try to do just that when we feel jealous.
We can consider what sensations, images, feelings and thoughts jealousy brings up. Does the current scenario trigger something old — a family dynamic or long-held, negative self-perception? The more we can connect these emotions or overreactions to the past events that created them in the first place, the clearer we can feel in our present-day situation.
Calm down and stay vulnerable — No matter how jealous we feel, we can find ways to come back to ourselves and soften. We can do this by first, accepting our emotions with compassion.
Remember that no matter how strong we feel, our feelings tend to pass in waves, first building, then subsiding. We can learn tools to calm ourselves down before reacting, for example, by taking a walk or a series of deep breaths. When we do, we can stand up for ourselves and the people we care for and remain vulnerable and open in how we relate. Once it spirals us into a state of jealousy, it may tell us to give up or stop going after what we want.
7 Strategies on Dealing with Jealousy in Intimate Relationships | HuffPost
It may lead us to self-sabotage, blow up at or punish someone we respect. We may inadvertently encourage them to become more closed off, less open about their feelings, thoughts and actions, which then adds to our feelings of distrust and jealousy. Seek our own sense of security — The best thing we can do is focus on feeling strong and secure in ourselves.
We have to do the work to conquer our inner critic and believe that we are okay, even on our own. Human beings are full of flaws and limitations, and no one can give us what we need percent of the time. No matter what, we can handle the emotions that arise. That means feeling like ourselves and embracing the qualities that will serve us in pursuing what we want.
Rather than letting the green monster turn us into monsters, we can allow ourselves to feel inspired, to connect with who we want to be and take actions that bring us closer to that. If we want the respect of those around us, we have to be mindful and considerate in our interactions. If we want to feel the consistent love of our partner, we must commit to engaging in loving acts each and every day.