Evolution of a love relationship with bpd

#11 – From Borderline to Healthy – The Evolution of My Needs | BPD Transformation

evolution of a love relationship with bpd

We are initially drawn into a borderline relationship by the charm and rather than others - objects of love, objects of hate, objects of mirth, objects of rage. BPD relationships of any kind are intense, chaotic, and full of conflict, but this is they are romantic (BPD and Romantic Relationships), casual, or professional. How do borderline personality disorder relationships evolve?. Instable relationships are a characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder -- but what does an instable relationship actually This pattern may take months or even years to evolve. Love - the Vulnerable Seducer Phase.

It's exciting and flattering for someone to feel so intensely about you. It makes you feel needed and purposeful. People who have been in these relationships often report incredibly passionate and exciting sex. But, once the short-lived honeymoon phase begins to fizzle out, problems start to emerge.

evolution of a love relationship with bpd

It's during this phase that your partner begins to see that you are not, indeed, flawless. Her idealized view of you comes tumbling down. Since individuals with borderline personality disorder tend to see things in black and white one of the symptoms of BPDshe may have trouble validating the fact that everyone makes mistakes and then forgiving you for yours.

Despite these disruptive cycles, it is possible to make these relationships work. It simply takes a generous amount of commitment, patience, and understanding to pull it off. At this point, you've got to step back and decide whether you're willing to go all in and do whatever it takes. How To Deal With Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder Once you've decided to move forward with the relationship, the next step involves learning how to deal with someone with borderline personality disorder.

Learn all you can about the disorder by reading up on symptoms, triggers, possible causes, and treatments. Insist that your significant other seek borderline personality disorder treatment. Take steps to help her find a psychiatrist or psychologist with experience in treating BPD.

Find a counselor for yourself who understands the disorder and who can help you cope during times of crisis with your partner.

Mental illness - How a BPD Love Relationship evolves

When you move past just dating and are living with someone with borderline personality disorder, following these suggestions may help bring a modicum of peace and order to the relationship: Do what you say you'll do.

Whatever you've told your significant other you'll do, do it. If you've told her you won't do something, don't do it. Staying consistent and predictable will help assuage her intense and excessive fear of abandonment.

The best rule of thumb here is to keep your word. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you still end up the target of a tearful meltdown; don't get sucked into the drama. Give honest, gentle feedback. If she comes home and tells you about how her boss or coworker treated her unfairly at work, don't affirm her beliefs unless you believe her perception is accurate.

People with borderline personalities often don't have any inkling about how their behavior impacts others. So, give honest feedback. In reality, I was talking to myself. Pretending to be two people was a defense against facing how truly alone I was.

I remember being in high school science class and feeling absolutely desperate. I was frequently on the verge of tears during high school classes, and it was not normal sadness. Rather, it was a desperate, life-threatening feeling — a sense that if I did not find help soon, the core of my being would be destroyed. The terror at this helplessness filled my whole body and made me scared to move. Feelings of rage — outrage, because it felt wrong, unfair, and abnormal for anyone to feel this way all the time — constantly exacerbated the feelings of hopelessness and fear.

In this dark, tragic film, a man and his beloved girlfriend are murdered, and the man returns from the dead to seek revenge on the gang members who killed her. The movie features an intimidating-looking young man stalking city streets at night, carrying out execution-style murders, and finally reuniting with a ghostly vision of his girlfriend.

My childhood deprivation and abuse created the rage that I experienced vicariously through Brandon Lee.

And my longing for someone to love me caused me to identify strongly with the final scene of reunion. Here is a typical violent scene from the movie — http: This scene allowed me to vicariously experience the rage and wish for revenge against my father. Today, I have forgiven my father and no longer want to get back at him. Also, if one has watched the full movie, it contains scenes of friendship and hope especially Eric Draven and the young girland I liked these also.

And here is the reunion scene — http: In developmental terms, I desperately wanted a dependent, parent-child form of relationship. I wanted someone to mother me, to give me primary love and unconditional acceptance.

In the void created by the lack of such a relationship — a relationship most people successfully complete as very young children — I experienced catastrophic rage, fear, and hopelessness. These overwhelming emotions precluded all other needs. I painfully and enviously saw other young men getting girlfriends, developing networks of friends, and getting jobs.

But these things presented overwhelming challenges for me, because I never felt well for more than a few hours, and most of the time I felt terrible. A poignant indicator of the gap between my desires and my abilities was Laura. She was a beautiful, tall, blonde high-school girl who preoccupied me throughout high school.

Her gorgeous body captivated me, but I had no idea how to relate to her as a person.

evolution of a love relationship with bpd

It never crossed my mind to ask her about her opinions or interests. I hardly ever spoke to her, but always looked at her longingly whenever she was not looking. Luckily, she was a kind girl, and never made fun of me despite my awkwardness. Had I believed in myself, I was probably good-looking enough to have attracted her interest. But without the basic confidence that comes from having a long-term good relationship to a parent-figure, it proved impossible for me to even approach her. At college, I wanted to make friends and join some student clubs.

But my first two years at a prestigious state school turned into a social nightmare. I expected that other people would dislike me, and although that was not always the case, it seemed that way. I rarely looked people in the eye and had trouble maintaining conversations. Other people felt this awkwardness, and so tended not to invest themselves in getting to know me. In reality, my negative expectations and projections created this reality. As I continued in college, I felt increasingly desperate and alone.

By this time, I knew that I desperately needed someone to help me and to understand my struggle. The Reconnection Toward the end of my first two years at college, I started to drive home on weekends to see my mother, who had divorced my abusive father and moved into a new house.

These visits with my mom comforted me for the first time. My mother somehow understood that I needed emotional help. We had a number of long talks, in which I would tell her awkwardly about my struggles in classes and with making friends at college.

#11 – From Borderline to Healthy – The Evolution of My Needs

Eventually, I broke down and cried with my mother, telling her how alone and hopeless I felt. Although it felt embarrassing, it was such a relief. I had often cried alone in my dorm room and at home during high school. It had been a lonely, desolate type of crying, the type of mourning in which there is no one there to hold you. Having another human being there felt incredibly redeeming.

It reminded me of the final scene from the movie The Crow. For the first time, real human help had reached me. Dudie began to speak to me during the week at college.

He urged me to return home every weekend, and told me that there would be severe consequences if I did not go! Psychotherapy At the same time, I found a new psychodynamic therapist. I understood that the failure to develop a long-term loving relationship in childhood underlay all of the borderline problems, and how full recovery could only come through a long-term good relationship with someone in the present.

Based on this theoretical understanding, I directed all of my energy toward developing a positive relationship with my therapist. This did not mean that I avoided rage, fear, and hopelessness.


I felt and discussed these emotions often. That something is their terror and avoidance of positive, vulnerable relationships. The borderline feels that good relationships and love are forbidden, dangerous, and undeserved. This was the case with me.

evolution of a love relationship with bpd

During the first few years of therapy, I invented every possible reason to distrust and reject my therapist. My therapist was, 1 Not experienced enough, 2 Not optimistic enough about borderlines, 3 Not attractive enough physically yes really! I used each of these as reasons to create distance and avoid intimacy in treatment. I dwelled on them to avoid noticing her good qualities which would lead to a good relationship.

In other words, I continuously activated the all-bad self and object images via splitting and rejected the internal good self and object units. Eventually, over the course of several years, I let these doubts go and experienced a prolonged therapeutic symbiosis. This period was among the most wonderful times of my life. I felt loved like a little child, as if everything was right with the world.

Now as I was young and easy under the apple boughs About the lilting house and happy as the grass was green, The night above the dingle starry, Time let me hail and climb Golden in the heydeys of his eyes, And honored among wagons I was prince of the apple towns And once below a time I lordly had the trees and leaves Trail with daisies and barley Down the rivers of the windfall light.